Secrets are Unhealthy 6/15/08

I suppose we all have secrets, things we share with no one, or a very select few. Here’s my hypothesis: there is a direct, inverse correlation between the number of secrets a person has and his/her mental and physical well-being.

The more secrets we have, the less mentally and physically healthy we are likely to be. Our secrets inhibit our ability to share, to seek help, to seek treatment. Because secrecy is really about a lack of trust.

My parents were very secretive. Whom did they trust? Perhaps each other, but in such a perverse way that I don’t see it as helpful. Certainly not their children. They didn’t want even us to know how much money they made or had, what was going on health wise, nothing. When my mother died there were lots of surprises. I really wish she had trusted me more, not because I’m hurt or anything, because those trust issues were definitely NOT part of the surprise.

No, I wish she and my father had trusted me (us) more because they kind of cheated us by not sharing their knowledge, their abilities. We’ve done okay with our money, planning and saving for retirement and the future. We’ve lived well and happily. But I’d like to think I’d have listened had my parents shared more, modeled more openly their financial acumen.

Now, dear friends have loved relatives who were afraid to share physical problems and are, perhaps, suffering more than they should.

We’re all so afraid that our friends and relatives will not only judge us (because they will) but reject us (which they generally won’t, and if they do, well, too bad for them) if they knew what we were hiding. Why won’t we give others credit for behaving how we at least want to behave? After all, we know that we would never reject our friends if we knew (whatever) about them. But we’re so certain that they will reject us.

Is this me being a Pollyanna? Perhaps, but my experience tells me that people generally live up to (or down to) our expectations of them. My friends know things about me that I would have tried to hide or keep secret back in my more youthful days. Guess what – they’re still my friends. And I’m still their friend.

No Fear! People are far more generous than we expect.

Share those secrets. You’ll be healthier for it.

6/28/08

Addendum: Saw a play last night (Morning’s at Seven), at least partly on this topic, the dangerous nature of secrets. And while it mostly reinforced my thinking, I have to add a caveat. It’s a fine line between being open and being (potentially) hurtful. Sharing a secret, whether your own or, especially perhaps, someone else’s, that causes pain to those we care about may end up being more damaging than cathartic. I have only the right to share my own secrets and even then with compassion for the feelings of others. So, while I still think that, on balance, the fewer secrets we have the better, we share our world with others who are important to us, and if our secret shatters someone else’s world, well, we may just have to hold it tight. Of course, ideally, those kinds of secrets should have been avoided in the first place, but there’s no “undo-key” on life.