Bex will be (or is already, depending on how long this takes to see the light) 17 and I find it distressing that spending time with me/us has become more a duty than a source of pleasure or enjoyment. A far cry from the 3-year old who introduced me at the pool as, “And this is my best friend, Grandpa.” Or the kid who took my hand as we explored together.
This, despite my obvious charm, wit, love, support, intelligence, all those qualities I’ve tried to mindfully manifest to become the grandpa I (think I) always wanted, not just for myself but for my own daughter. We don’t have a legacy of superior grandfather models in this family (not bad, mind you, just nothing particularly close or enviable).
And I channel the Martina McBride song, “At 17 she’s just like me so I don’t blame her.” I didn’t want to be around adults either at that age, and the lack of proximity (living in Belgium) made that an easier task. Also, not really “just like me.” Kids today have much more freedom of self-expression (a good thing, IMO) than we did 60 years ago, plus I was not even within shouting distance of Bex’s expression and sense of self (of which I now realize I had none). #clueless
It does help (some) that I know it’s nothing personal. Anecdote: “She was so mad she actually came out of her room!” The cause of that “mad” actually offers me hope because while we rarely converse, Bex, Nicci & I do the daily WORDLE and share our results via text every day we play (which, of course, is every day for me). In addition to that interaction, as limited as it is, I do get the occasional ❤️ reaction to a text I randomly send on topics (I actively curate my offerings) I hope Bex might find interesting, humorous, or entertaining. I even got one today for my “Happy Birthday Eve” text greeting. (Sent in the WORDLE group thread, to be sure she’d see it.)
So I’ve become the texting Grandpa and while that is not the fantasy relationship I envisioned and hoped for, it’s (going to have to be) enough for now, while they find their way and their own path to authenticity — another journey where Bex has a huge head start over me.
Even though it may be years (if ever) before you see this, Happy 17th birthday, Bex. Know you are, have been, and will always be loved beyond measure, that I am astounded and proud of the person you’re becoming, that we will always be there for you. May that love, along with your parents’, be the safety net you (we all) need as you traverse the uncharted road ahead that is life.
