Mindful Maintenance

Relationships may develop organically, but they don’t survive without work. 

I’d like to blame COVID…. 

....but the fact of the matter is that, as an introvert, I’ve never been very good at the friendship thing, at least not in the way I always thought friendships were ‘spozed to be created and developed. For a long time some of my closest friends had to overcome their initial dislike of me. That journey from antipathy to acceptance was nudged  along by the fact that those (eventual) friendships mostly developed from professional relationships. Apparently I became more tolerable if you had to work with me — or if you knew or spent time with Carolyn. I appreciate that she represents a perpetual stock boost  for my reputation. One colleague (although not a friend on any level) only tolerated me because of my wife, and she died never  understanding how Carolyn could possibly put up with me. I’m sure that’s still a challenge. 

With Ken Trammel

    Nevertheless, despite my multiple shortcomings, I have managed to not only make, but keep, friends I cherish, and what I’ve learned over the past few years  is that those few friendships need nurturing and attention. If they’re going  to survive and grow, it takes work; it takes commitment. (That’s true of family relationships, as well, of course.) 

    I’m not complaining, not one bit, about having to do that “work.” Work, at least for me, is a positive word. Carolyn and I loved our work, our professions. It  doesn’t mean our jobs weren’t hard, often challenging and frustrating, but we loved them. 

With MaryAnn & Bob McGrane

    In the same way, I’ve come to understand that if our love for our friends is going to stay alive and grow, it takes work; it takes regular maintenance. I schedule (monthly) lunches with dear friends, and we do not leave “our” restaurant without putting the next date in our calendars and sending an invitation. Life being life, “stuff” (to paraphrase the old bumper sticker) happens, but we never just cancel, we immediately reschedule. None of this, “We’ll call you,” or “Call us” or “I’ll get back to you.” Surely friends deserve the same level of commitment that we give to our self-care appointments. 

With Norm Berkowitz

     To be sure, I’m still a work in progress. I want to be better with the maintenance of more friendships; I want to expand my friendship pond into at least a small lake with regular connections. I need to be better with checking in on my out of town friends, where the lack of proximity means a lack of opportunity to connect in person. But even there I’m working, working at staying connected and even reconnecting with people from my past I cared about. 

     Yes, it is work, but it’s work that brings me joy and contributes to my, and, I hope, their well-being.