It's Father's Day, a day for intro- and retrospection. Becoming a father changes your life forever. At least it should, if you let it. I clearly wasn't really ready for fatherhood, but I had given some thought to what kind of outcome I wanted for my daughter. I was, of course, clueless as to how to achieve that outcome, but there is no parent manual and we all muddle through, trying to screw up as little as possible and hopeful that our mistakes and the damage they cause are both minor, little fender-benders on the perilous path of parenthood.
I know I could have done better; I wish I had done better. I know (now) that my priorities were neither clearly explained nor even rationalized, if not badly and completely misplaced. I've used this anecdote before, but when your daughter's first complete sentence is, "Daddy's at a meeting," it should set off alarm bells. I couldn't get beyond thinking she was cute and smart (which she was, of course).
Still, all in all I was blessed with a great daughter of whom I could not be more proud, even if she and her mother deserve most of the credit. I say this not with false modesty. I think I did an above average job as a father. Of course, as we are constantly reminded, it doesn't take much to beat average, especially in competition with other men in terms of relationships with their families. This next generation is raising the bar, and I enjoy watching Ben excelling as a father.
Nicci made me a better person (and a better teacher), and I'll always be in her debt. I'm pretty certain that she reached the understanding (sooner than I did, at least in part because she has her mother's aptitude for empathy) that, like my father, I did the best I could, given who I was with my background and parenting models, that I recognized and tried to rectify, when possible, my mistakes, and that I loved her more than I could ever have imagined being possible. I loved her and loved being her father. Where I perhaps deserve the most credit, I also loved working at being a good father for her. What a great job, what challenging and joyful work.
I have to say, though, that being a grandfather is the best gig ever. This was not a role I was anxious to adopt; I wasn't one of those people who "couldn't wait" to be a grandparent. Grandfathers were (or should be, in my world view) old, not a label I am ready to embrace with any enthusiasm even now. Then I saw the child of my child and again my world changed, again I became a better person because of a child.
The difference between parenting and grand-parenting is that on this round you actually have time to pay attention to the growth and change, to truly observe the development of a wondrous human being, without all the demands and distractions of life getting in the way. Again, I am fortunate. Carolyn and I are blessed not with front-row seats, but a place in the dugout. Nicci and Ben moved back to St. Louis to share their lives with us. So not only is Becca a beautiful gift, but the closeness of our family and their willingness to share this incredible child enhance the value of that gift more than I could ever have imagined.
Today I celebrate Father's Day, not as a recognition of what I did as a father, but as a day to be thankful for all the love, joy and learning I have received, and continue to receive, in that role, gifts beyond measure that make my life a rich and blessed one.
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