Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Ms. Teaching,

This is such a hard letter to write, and I’ve been struggling with it for a long time. As prone as I am to dither, agonize and procrastinate when faced with difficult choices, I have made a decision, and I think it’s best to be direct:

I’m sorry, but we have to break up. It’s time. Look, we’ve been together, more or less, for 45 years now and I just don’t think I can maintain the relationship any longer. I mean, it’s been fun and all, and I’ll always remember, with great fondness, our time together. You’ve helped make me who I am today and I appreciate that. You’ve made me a better person, father, maybe even husband, although I’m not sure Carolyn always agreed, even as she has loyally and patiently stood by me. Still, I’ll never forget you — I confess that you were much more than a dalliance; no, you were a part of me, almost the definition of me.

That’s the problem, of course. In the competition for limited time, you frequently won and my family lost. It is never good news when your daughter’s first complete sentence is, “Daddy’s at a meeting.” You consumed me, my time, my energy – and I loved you with an undeniable ardor. I guess I always will, but it’s time to end our, yes, I’m saying it, our affair.

Oh, please, you’ve had to know this was coming for a long time. Just accept it and move on. There are lots of younger, more energetic, more ambitious targets of your various and undeniable charms who can meet your ever escalating needs.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Really, as trite as it sounds, it isn’t you, it’s me, although surely even you must admit that you have become increasingly needy, increasingly demanding. I don’t know, maybe you always were but I was just so smitten that I couldn’t see it. I was obsessed, our connection so strong, we just seemed meant for each other; but that passion which once possessed me has not just diminished, it’s disappeared, completely gone.

But even if a passion ember still existed, the energy to do anything about it does not. I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I couldn’t get through our most recent tryst without a nap! Where I used to think about you all the time, often ignoring my family and neglecting my obligations to please you, now, once I leave our room, I devote almost zero energy to you. You deserve more than that, you know you do. But my family also deserved more and it’s (finally) their time now.

So this is it. Yes, I know it sounds harsh, but please, I’m begging you, don’t call me. I’ll call you if I want to get back together, but don’t wait up. No, I mean it, don’t call me. Because if you do we both know I will at least be tempted to respond to your siren call, and resisting temptation (and flattery, and the need to be needed) has never been one of my great strengths.

Thanks for everything, thanks to everyone, all those who made our affair so memorable. But I’m done. Buh-bye.

Thanks for your service

This is an edited update of a blog piece from last week. It’s edited to include a link to an article provided by a friend of mine, Chris Counts, in response to my original. (http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/please-don’t-thank-me-for-my-service/ar-BBhPFEn) If you don’t want to read the whole piece (it’s not that long and worthwhile, IMO), it essentially confirms my original misgivings, at least for some vets. In addition, this updated version will be (re)posted on Facebook as a stand-alone article, and not, like the last time, as part of the “Comments” section to my original Facebook question/post. This typeface and style will denote the additions to the regular piece.

In part due to smarmy radio and television talking heads and politicians making a show of their patriotism by constantly thanking all past and present military for their service, I came to question whether “Thanks for your service” was always appropriate and well received. It seemed, to me, to have become sort of a pro forma statement, so I posted the following question on Facebook:

I have a question for my formers who are, or were, in the military. I had occasion to briefly interact with the son of a friend (also a former) who is currently serving. Because of my friendship with his mom, I've known him for a while and we've met before (didn't need to be introduced). After a brief conversation, we were saying our good-byes and I thanked him for his service. While sincere, that expression has seemed to become such a catch-phrase used so often that it sounds almost meaninglessly automatic, and, therefore, discounted. What is your reaction to being thanked in this way? Or am I overthinking again?

It would appear that, as is my wont, I was, indeed, overthinking – again.

What became clear was not only that is that statement well-received, the gratitude expressed is at least matched by the pride in their service, whether or not they view it as a sacrifice. Even when not seen as any kind personal sacrifice on their part, they recognized that for many of their brothers and sisters (both literal and in-arms), the service was indeed a sacrifice that deserves recognition.

There will always be exceptions, of course, but I hope, and do believe, that we have progressed as a country to the point where we can appreciate our servicemen and women while still, when necessary, separating their efforts on our behalf from whatever political decisions made by our government put them in harm’s way. The fact that they may have benefitted personally or professionally from their service does not discount its value to the rest of us.

So I will, when the opportunity presents itself, continue to express my thanks to our military men and women for their service to our country. That small token is the least that I can do. I will continue to support charities like The Wounded Warrior Project or St. Louis Honor Flight. Beyond that, I would hope that our politicians start doing more than wearing flag lapel pins and making speeches around election time; instead I hope they start keeping the promises, both implicit and implied, that have made not only to our soldiers but their families, as well (http://bobberndt.blogspot.com/2014/05/ought-to-be-no-brainer.html). That will take money and can’t be funded simply by cutting budgets or eliminating wasteful spending. We need to start recognizing the true and ongoing cost of maintaining – and supporting – our military and make decisions based on those numbers, not imaginary ones.

As one of the original commenters, a young man who has actually served, noted, it’s your sincerity that makes the difference. Any gratitude for anything, sincerely expressed, might be misunderstood or misinterpreted, but should never be a cause for regret or second-guessing. It is your responsibility to make sure that’s the case, however.

In the meantime, to all my friends and formers, as well as their families and extended families, my sincere thanks and appreciation for your service.