The Way It 'Spozed To Be

Probably the most influential book of my (teaching) career was James Herndon’s (1968) The Way It Spozed To Be, the memoir of a well-intentioned idealist’s early experience teaching in the inner city. The title stems from a student telling him he wasn’t doing things the way a teacher was “spozed” to. Fast forward about 40 iconoclastic years, when, in my first year at Schechter, I had a student say, shaking her head in wonderment, “We’ve never had a teacher like you before, Mr. Berndt.” I took it as a compliment, because, by that point in my career, I pretty much taught the way that felt right, for me.

Over the course of those 4+ decades, I’m sure I left a variety of people, including at least some teachers and most administrators, shaking their heads because I didn’t do things the way I was “spozed” to. For the most part, however, I think the way I taught worked and my kids “got” what I was trying to do. One of the reasons I called it quits was because I no longer had the energy to resist the pressure, to conform, or to pretend to do things the way others thought I was “spozed” to.

But this is not a self-congratulatory paean. Rather, I’d like to encourage people to think about the problems they create for themselves spending so much time and effort doing what they’re “spozed” to, being who they’re “spozed” to, or, worse, conforming to what they THINK they’re “spozed” to be/do, molding themselves into their perception of someone else’s concept of the way it “spozed” to be. Often times, even in unimportant areas, people work at liking what they’re “spozed” to like; they’ll plow through books, watch TV, listen to music, or sit through movies they don’t even like, just because someone has asserted, “This is good.”

Rule #42 (coming in Version 3.5): “Just because a critic (or ten) says it’s ‘good’ doesn’t mean I have to like it.” Even worse, people stay in organizations or relationships that are problematical, not because they meet any real physical, personal, or psychological needs, but because that’s what they’re “spozed” to do, because that’s what’s expected. Too often, doing what we’re “spozed” to means not being true to ourselves, and if we’re not being true to ourselves, how can we live a satisfying life?

We can’t. I’m not arguing for existential anarchy, for everyone making up their own societal rules, although I admit that was essentially my approach to life, albeit within a moral framework that (I believe) would achieve a consensus for acceptable social norms in most circles. What I am saying is that most of the stress in my life came from trying to conform outside of my personal parameters. The actions that I actually took outside those norms didn’t create nearly as much stress as those I delayed taking (or failed to take at all) because I feared they might have defined me as aberrant in the realm of “spozed to.”

I also understand, and regret, that economic realities enforce a certain level of conformity on all of us, that appearance frequently trumps reality in terms of job performance.  There are, of course, two levels to this that occasionally interconnect: physical appearance and life approach, although the former is  (for better or worse, depending on your POV) diminishing, but not disappearing, in importance. The latter also seems to be abating as most of us work at becoming less judgmental about what are really superficialities.

While I, too, certainly had to deal with those realities from time to time, I was lucky. Back in the day, schools still recognized (granted, sometimes grudgingly) teachers’ professional autonomy; I never dreaded going to work (even during Spirit Week). I generally had fun and hoped that my students would enjoy the ride with me. The best teachers I knew taught their personalities, taught authentically. They defined, for themselves, “the way it spozed to be.” They, like James Herndon, though I knew him only through his books, were my role models.

Life is hard enough without having to shape-shift, to be someone you’re not, just because there’s an expectation in some quarters of how things are “spozed” to be. My advice: Don’t ignore the issue of “spozed” to be; instead, just be who YOU are “spozed” to be.