Yom Kippur – Letting Go

Yom Kippur -- Letting Go

Sep 17, '10 10:25 AM for everyone

Yes, it's another holiday, another Friday I don't work in September. But I thought I might use some of the time to reflect on my understanding of the meaning of the day and its personal impact.

Day of Atonement. As arrogant as it sounds, I don't feel I have all that much for which to atone, don't feel like I've done much that is hurtful or even mean-spirited to others. The one exception (more later) I don't really feel sorry about, so atonement will have to wait for more spiritual growth on my part (and I wouldn't hold my breath, there).

But last year, Rabbi Selis, the Head of School, paraded the Upper School to a nearby pond to symbolically throw bread on the waters, not just to rid ourselves of our transgressions, but, and this is what most resonated with me, to let go of our perceived hurts to us, to let go of the resentments that weigh us down and hinder our path through life.

I won't claim that I've completely succeeded in this quest, but I found that day helpful in relieving the pain of my exit from Hancock. I confess I was still angry, feeling betrayed, lied to and sabotaged by those whom I trusted. I'm not referring to the superintendent. He's just not very bright. I still contend that he hurt the kids and the district more than he hurt me. As far as my graceless exit, well, I stand by every word I wrote and continue to hold those opinions. However, as the situation clarified itself over the ensuing weeks and months, I realized that I had been played, that either by commission or omission the faith and trust I had placed in supervisors and colleagues had been exposed as naïvté. 

I've always known I had that streak. I made a conscious decision, many years ago, that I'd rather be betrayed for trusting too much than become hard and jaded by trusting too little. The fact I set myself up for such a fall made it no less painful. I loved being a Hancock teacher. I loved the district, the staff, the kids, the weird uniqueness of the whole community. I understood it -- and I'd suggest, understood its dynamics as well as anybody and better than almost everybody in the district. 

But starting last year I began to let all that go. I've reached the point where I really feel very little connection to Hancock. Of course there are people there whom I love and respect. Certainly I will always be connected to them, to the multitude of memories that I share with them and the thousands of students I loved teaching. I retain my pride in knowing that I made a strong and positive difference there, for individual students and teachers as well as the district as a whole.

Thanks to that little walking field trip last year, that is what I choose to hang on to, what I choose to remember. If I haven't completely erased those hurts and that resentment, I'm well on my way, liberated to forge a new path and create new memories. For that I am thankful.

Tags: religion, psychology, philosophy, education, changing perceptions, career, self-awareness